By Amanda Jowsey.
In the days leading up to my first Reiki healing and attunement session, my ego fought back with an unstoppable ferocity. I'm confident that she knew I was about to proceed through a certain threshold — a barrier I hadn't yet climbed over — into a place where she no longer had control over the wheel, where she was just a passenger to my true spirit. Her navigational suggestions were no longer welcome in the vehicle that is my body. I wouldn’t panic and drive off the road when she cried out. I wouldn’t simply walk down the street that she wanted, when she wanted. I would show her that we are on a mission, that there was no longer any time to veer off onto her paths of destruction.
My ego was hurt at first. Initially, she felt rejected, but after all she’s put us through, she finally surrendered. Eventually, she even apologized — both to me and to herself — for making the journey so much more unpleasant than it needed to be. She was finally satisfied in knowing that this wasn’t a rejection at all. It was only love. It was only protection so that I wouldn’t get the both of us killed. She had never been loved like that before — where her feelings had been acknowledged, understood, and pacified by this wholehearted acceptance and understanding.
I have spent the most recent months somehow trying to crawl back into old skin, trying to fit into the carcass that was my ego, only now with a renewed spirit. But this only left me feeling unclean, like a lotus trying to push itself back into the mud. After my first experience with a hands-on reiki session, when I started to feel that urge to go back into old dimensions of being, a force-field of some outside energy would lovingly and gently stop me. A “do not cross" tape has been strung around the areas that return me to a lower vibration, like the scene of a crime that I shouldn’t return to.
Sonic Reiki, from a very basic explanation, combines tones and frequencies to help move and shape energy, using a universal life-force energy called reiki. My reiki trainers explained that "vibration is the song of life.” Everything created and consumed — food, art, music, media, language — holds its own vibration.
In this space, I could hear the lows of words that cut, and feel the emanation of thoughts that strangle the mind. I understood that I could keep the mind, body, and spirit in a high vibration by attuning myself to the higher vibrations of the universe. Just the same, I could bring myself closer to a lower vibration with every thought, word, and action. When working with my own, another’s, and the universal life-force energy, I could create a healthy space for my highest spirit to dwell and thrive.
My Reiki Masters, Linda and Tom Sylvester of Sonic Reiki in Buffalo, New York, describe a quantum configuration chamber in which a person returns to their own center, and are encompassed and protected by an energetic shield during and after their healing sessions. Time no longer existed in this new space. I felt like I had finally caught up to myself in that moment, as a pure and loving energy, where the sky and the earth meet, in a space without time.
Picture yourself watching a movie that takes place in outer space. The astronaut floats around, safely connected to his spaceship by a tether. He is a distant observer of himself and everything around him. Everything is quiet — there are only the tones and frequencies of a vast galaxy spinning through a spiral. I was the astronaut, but I was still safely here, connected to earth. I was safe in my own sacred spacesuit. Here in this space, your soul sings a song to you. It’s the soundtrack the universe plays to you as you journey down the roads of your divine purpose. It is the song of your soul.
The most significant change I noticed on the way home from the session was that everything moved more slowly. At first, it was unusual to become re-accustomed to this new passing of time. There was a wave-like quality to it, but somehow, it was exactly the right pace for once — as if my own body aligned with the same frequency and movement as the beat and pulse of the cosmos.
I was no longer living in that panicked and hurried speed of a society that leaves our eyes rattling through our heads, and our heads stumbling over our feet as we try to keep up. I had no need to rush at all, even if I had somewhere to be. I had nowhere else to be but in the present, here in my own skin.
The healing that took place didn't necessarily mean that the negative thoughts and the feelings they bred wouldn't resurface, but I no longer had any real desire to bring myself back to that level again. I could finally hold the highest love for myself when I was tired enough of my old dimensions, so that all I wanted to do was to choose what was good, and what was good was what was in alignment with my highest purpose — with my soul contract.
The experience felt like soul-retrieval. Sometimes, we first have to tear ourselves into pieces in order to re-adhere ourselves to ourselves. Having my true spirit back in this body was the ultimate comfort, like sleeping in your own bed after a long trip away from home. Maybe she had to evacuate for a while as the renovation was taking place.
Now, it is a much safer and happier place for my inner children to play. I feel whole again, like when Peter Pan sews his shadow back to his feet. My dark side and I are no longer divided. We have achieved a state of balance, of harmony within myself. My corrosive overthinking has slowed and returned to a normal pace. I have room in my head for focusing on my goals and daily tasks without being called away by senseless worry. It feels like breathing again. My heart is processing love instead of pain. The weight that I have been carrying on my back, chest, hips, and knees has finally been lifted. The black ball of stagnant and tangled energy from the paths I have walked and the experiences I've collected are slowly melting away.
A part of me thought I would miss these pieces of myself, but I don't. I didn't need to cling to them. They didn't need to cling to me. Only the whisper of their ghosts hang somewhere off in the distance. I won't go chasing after them. I've incorporated what they had to teach me to the highest possible degree at this time. And if I need to revisit them, I will do so from a strong and quiet place, safely in observance, as if I were floating in space, connected and grounded to the earth by her umbilical cord.
Amanda Jowsey is a writer, poet, essayist, and aspiring Reiki practitioner based in Buffalo, New York. She has a B.A. in English from the University at Buffalo. Her work has appeared with In Good Health, NAME Magazine, and Generation Magazine. Her first book is scheduled for publication later this year. You can follow her on Instagram @a.leeswholeistichealing.